I recently came across some old home videos I hadn’t seen in many years. I was nine years old. One was taken at the zoo, another at the mall. Watching them, I realized I have no memory of that zoo trip, and the only thing I remember about that mall visit is my shoes hurting my feet while we were leaving.

I don’t remember making those videos, but I distinctly remember being that girl. I can still feel what she felt. I was happy to be on an outing with my family, and I felt safe because my parents took care of me. I wasn’t worried about anything, and I was blissfully unaware that there was even anything to be concerned about. I didn’t have to put gas in the car, pay for tickets or food, or decide where we were going. My only job was to be a kid. Childhood is a magical time of life, and we don’t even realize that until it’s gone. I couldn’t wait to grow up. What was I thinking? It’s the only time in life when it’s socially acceptable to be an unemployed freeloader.

I also know something else about how she was feeling, even without the memory itself. I was shy around strangers. At one point in the mall, a person dressed as a bear (an employee of the toy store we were at) grabbed my hands and started dancing with me. I smiled and played along a little bit, but in reality, I was embarrassed. Dancing with a bear while being videotaped was not my idea of a good time. Maybe that’s why I never became a child star.

Those videos were taken in 1985, forty years ago. I’m forty-nine now. My own daughter is twice that little girl’s age. That’s a long time, but I still remember so clearly what it was like to be her. I can feel how things affected her. She had no idea what life had in store, and frankly didn’t give it much thought. But present-day me sees everything through the lens of what has happened over forty years. I see the heartbreak that is coming. I see the confusion and the moments she wondered, “When did life get so hard?”. But I also see the faith that grew stronger through all of it. And of course, I see the joyful moments too. I see how God was there every step of the way, even when I wasn’t looking for Him.

If I could go back in time and meet her at that zoo or at that mall, I’d startle her. She would be confused about why the “old lady” is trying to talk to her. But if she’d listen, here’s what I’d say to her.

Dear Little Girl,

There are a lot of big changes ahead in life, but you’re going to be okay. Guard your heart. People aren’t always as they seem, and some will try to take advantage of you. Don’t let them. Don’t ever believe that you aren’t enough and that something is somehow “wrong” with you. Those are lies. The truth is, you were fearfully and wonderfully made by God’s own hand in your mother’s womb. You were made in the image of God. Think about that! Ignore the ones who will try to make you feel worthless, because the truth is, you are priceless.

Listen to your parents. They aren’t perfect, but they love you and want the best for you. Someday you will understand them in ways you aren’t able to see right now.

You will be a grown-up for a very long time, so don’t rush getting there. Enjoy being a kid for as long as you can. Life is going to change, then it will change again. That’s just how it goes. So enjoy every moment, even the “boring” ones. Every dinner with your family, every ride on your bike, every visit to Grandma’s house, every bedtime story…soak it all in, child.

Someday, a long time from now, you will look back and see yourself with your shy smile and shoes that hurt your feet. You will miss her. But you’ll also see that she never really left. Do you know I still have some of your toys? I don’t play with them, but it still gives me joy to look at them. Because even though I’ve matured, you’re still the part of me that reminds me where I came from and who I am now.

You’re going to make it through everything that’s coming. And when you do, you’ll look back and see God’s fingerprints on every single chapter of your story.

With love,
Your Grown-Up Self